How to Be German. In 50 Easy Steps.

For my fellow expats in Germany (or any of our friends curious about the cultural differences from a comical perspective), I have to recommend these two little books. We stumbled upon these at the local bookstore, and they are hilarious.  

And double fun: they are bilingual - read one direction for English or turn it around for German.

To be clear, they are written very tongue-in-cheek and intended to comically highlight all of the little cultural differences that are so striking when an American (or Brit, such as the author) moves to Germany.  However, the best part for us is that having been here for nearly a year, we can think of personal situations that back up what he describes.

I have to include a short excerpt from How to be German, In 50 Easy Steps. This is the 5th step:

5. Dress Seriously

     Plan made for the day? Insurances in place? Great. Good work! Now it's time to change out of your Schlumperklamotten and head outside to face the day head on. You're going to need to get appropriately dressed. 

     *WARNING! AUSLÄNDER! WARNING!* Outside is this thing called nature. Nature is fickle and not to be trusted! It dances to its own illogical, changeable tune. Best dress on the safe side. You need - expensive outdoor clothing! After all, you're going outdoors, and it's called outdoor clothing, therefore it must be necessary.

     At all times, you should be dressed for a minimum of three seasons. Get some of those funky Jack Wolfskin shrousers: the trousers that zip off into shorts. If there is even the slightest possibility you may at some point leave a pavement, be sure you are wearing high-quality hiking boots. The Germans consider anything else an act of ankle suicide.

Holy cow. Yes. Have I mentioned how many pieces of clothing are required to send my kids to school & kindergarten?  We have the special rain pants (these are like waders that fishermen use in the US, with elastic around the ankles & stirrups on the bottom), a special rain coat (I was told Brandtley's American rain jacket didn't cut it, but Jackson's LL Bean jacket hasn't been rejected), rain boots, house shoes, gym shoes with a special colored sole that makes them ok on the gym floor, gym clothes and a special gym bag to put them in.  All of these are to be left at school and we are supposed to have a 2nd set at home.  In addition to these, they also need running shoes, summer shoes and winter shoes. And this list doesn't even include winter outerwear...you must always be prepared, which is actually discussed in step #2 of the same book: 2. Planning, Preparation, & Process. 😂

I haven't really read much of the 2nd book, but in flipping through, found descriptions for some of the wonderful German descriptive words like:

• Fallschirmjäger - paratrooper (literal translation: falling umbrella hunter)
• Handschühe - mittens/gloves (literal: hand shoes)
• Spaßvogel - joker (literal: fun bird)
• Kopfkino - head cinema. I love this one. It's a literal translation & there's no single English equivalent word for what goes on in your head.

Aren't these great?